Colbert Burns President Bush to His Face

Only one man could have the balls to look the president in the face and rip on him for his war in Iraq. The man is Mr. Colbert, Mr. America. Mr. Bush doesn't seem to like the jokes too much, how who in Bush's office allowed something like this to happen. I can't wait until they let Colbert rip Obama to shreds as much as Geoff gets ripped to shreds by Matt in their "getaway".

Baseball: A game or a Religion?

Recently, I spotted Ben T. participating in activities that many at Bethel would consider a questionable activity. The activities in question do not involve ingesting any materials that may alter his state of mind, but instead involve Ben's purpose for living. It appears that Ben is leading a cult in the worship of baseball. At the start of the year Ben gave up drinking so he could totally commit his life to baseball. In an interview I had with Bethel senior baseball player Pete A he said "I am starting to worry about Ben, baseball has become his life and I think I saw him building a baseball alter in his locker."

I also have experienced Ben's worship of baseball. Last week he asked me if I knew where he could buy a live chicken. It is my belief that he was going to perform a living sacrifice to a baseball. Also in a statement I recieved from Matt N. he mentioned that one night he spotted Ben sitting in the bath room playing with a Wiji board. Although baseball is a very good game to both play and watch, I believe that some people are trying to make it into their religion. We will have to just wait and see if Ben's worship pays off. The Bethel baseball season starts soon and rumors are that Ben is suppose to have a great season. Lets just hope his arm holds up.

Local Male Becomes Pregnant?

Local male college student is found to be pregnant.  This bizarre occurrence has doctors everywhere puzzled and concerned.  Matt Nungesser appears to be with child and is due sometime in late May.  After intense studies and research, it has been confirmed that it must be some sort of divine intervention like Jesus and Marry since Matt is indeed still a virgin.  When asked about his miraculous pregnancy, Matt said, "I am very excited to be carrying a gift of God and hope that it is a beautiful baby boy."  He also commented, "I just hope he doesn't take after his father and have my steel hands.  Maybe God will grant me another miracle and give my son the hands of Larry Fitzgerald."  

Unfortunately for Matt, God has not answered his prayers.  After his ultrasound last week, doctors found that he is carrying a beautiful Steak Chipotle burrito.  It should come out weighing a solid 5 pounds 8 ounces with all its condiments fully intact.  If it is not a failed birth, it will be a new world record sized burrito.  Chipotle has been contacting Matt to see if they can use the burrito birth as a new advertisement campaign.

When asked about carrying a burrito, Matt responded by saying, "God has his own plans for me and my burrito.  Maybe he is trying to tell me to stop being so fat and always eating at Chipotle."  Matt also added that he plans on going through with the pregnancy because he believes abortion is morally wrong.

We wish Matt the best of luck during his pregnancy.  Let's just pray that he doesn't go through a stretch of bad morning sickness and take out his feminine mood swings on the rest of the roommates.

To: Andrew and Matt

There is a problem when one lets a girl come between you and your roommates birthday. It happened last week on a day special to me January 16, which on that day 22 years ago someone was born in Bermuda. During the day we were making fun of Jay for saying that he couldn't come because he had to go practice voice lessons and both of you were part of it. I come home from Chipotle expecting everyone to come but both of you made up excuses that you couldn't come and when we came home from the movie, you both were with your girlfriends.......not even a happy birthday...Phill made me a cake! Austin and Pete saw the movie for the second time! You two need to get your heads out of each others asses and get your priorities straight! Need I say more......1/1/09=no balls.......2/14/09=redemption!